day 19: a conversation about fear

i was at work yesterday chatting with one of the employees at the venue that was hosting the event. this was my second time at this location so we had spoken with each other throughout the day last time i was working. traffic was slow at the time and we got to talking about all kinds of things but the main point was fear and what it can do and present in our world. fear as the basis of misunderstanding via the creation of ideas forged in fear. i was speaking about the fear point starting when people are very young. religion is the way many first learn to create fear. fear god or else.. fear the word of god or else.. that "or else" or hell/damnation is a huge factor within the whole of religion that people do not like to look at for its obvious nature of manipulation. and for fear that it is true and one of those damned people that the bible claims to "love" but will ultimately kill and torture in hell fire for will be them.

but the fear is embedded so strong that misunderstanding via the creation of ideas forged in fear trumps common sense and consideration of all life one an equal. he asked me if i believed in god and was shocked when i told him i did not. i told him fear is introduced to children by parents that had it introduced to them as 'the reason and the way' when they were children. and that point is not so hard to shake even if we learn to stop letting our parents ideas make us and take the self direction to consider all things and make ourselves. the desire to hold on to what one is use to or comfortable with is matched by the fear of letting go. and fear is an underlined point within the teachings of any religion. he said that he had seen the flip of religion creating fear to where fear created religion within his experiences when he was younger and orson welles made movies that people mistook for news. he said it was literally pandemonium in the world around him. people were stocking up, killing themselves, buying guns, flooding the churches and finding religion.the fear generated from the idea of the movies being real was creating. and he said it was done again a couple of years later with another welles movies. we spoke about how the world use to think the earth was flat and other ridiculous declarations of "truth" that turned out to be either fear driven misunderstandings or complete and utter lies used to manipulate the masses.

because we are afraid to question religion we are afraid to question the hate, slavery, adultery, racism, separation, abuse and most important, fear that it advocates. so there is always the point of accepted cruelty that can be found and elaborated on in the name of, really, an inconsiderate sense of exploration and discovery when it comes to religion as a whole. all religions think the road to eternal life lies within their teaches and no others. and that very small but significant point, within the whole of what is to be considered, has never made common sense to me when looking at it with self honesty. he said to me that he never looked at it like that before. the man mentioned that he experiences these accepted sense of separation when he is out with his granddaughter. he is an older white man and she is a mixed race little girl of 5 years. he says that he notices the looks he gets from other people when they are out. its the sense of either she does not belong with him or he does not belong with her. ive heard this same sentiment from others who have mixed race children or adopted children of another race. we dont even need to use our words to separate ourselves from one another as life. if we are doing it in our minds it has the same effect here in the physical. nothing is missed. even a sly look from a passerby.

he told me of an experience he and his brother had when they were younger that has stuck with him throughout his years. kentucky born and raised, the two brothers, on their way to the corner store for snacks. he noticed an elderly black woman standing in the lighted doorway of a closed building very late in the evening and wondered to himself what she was doing there at this time of night. on the way back from the store he saw her there still and the two boys decided to go and see if the woman was okay or needed help. they went over and could see the fear in this old womans whole being. his brother asked if she was okay or needed help and she explained to them that she got off the bus and had no clue where she was only that she was in kentucky in a all white neighborhood and that she was absolutely terrified. which they could already clearly see. he said he wondered to himself, even at that young age, what the hell had happened to her or what she experienced that led her to be this fearful of being in an all white neighborhood. he himself had never had the experience so it was hard for him to understand the consequence he was seeing within the woman. the two boys told her how about they wait with her until the next bus came so she could relax and feel safe. to which she was very grateful. they waiting with her and then got on the bus to instruct the bus driver where she needed to go. and the driver told her to sit up front and he would make sure she got where she needed to go. he said that experience has stayed with him for years. the fear she had in her was something that was new for him to see at that age. and it really showed him how fucked things were for people of difference raises in an intolerable world.

was a pretty cool conversation we were having that we had to end too soon because of the fact that we both were working.

self forgiveness to come on these points..

day 18: to know is not enough

driving to work today i was listening to npr. someone was reporting on the devastation of the typhoon in the phillipines and how people do not have food and shelter and clean water. they were reporting that they do not have access to food and clean water and shelter because they do not have access to trucks to ship these things in.

what i saw in this is that- we know. we know exactly what it is that is needed by these, our fellow humans. we know that the people there need shelter, food, clean water and the ability to rebuild. but because we put a price on everything, mainly life, we can know and not act and say to ourselves "we dont have enough money to do..". when money is not even needed. food and clean water and shelter and trucks are. action is. compassion is. understanding is. equality is. to be quite honest, if we wanted to we could have flew everything in that was needed the day after it happened. this is the same with any natural disaster. we perpetuate the hardship within such a situation by not simply doing what needs to be done. because we are divided within ourselves..within our world, we are divided within the common sense of what needs to be done in situations like this. together, we could literally do anything. we have planes. we have food. we have shelter. we have people able and willing to help. though many like myself in the current system could not afford to take the time off to go and help because i must work or i wont eat. we do not currently recognize the right to life once born. time is a luxury currently. its bought and sold like life. and when we make action or potential reliant on money we stifle our physical ability to move our bodies. its ridiculous.

and this is something that goes on daily. people in need and plenty of what is needed lying around somewhere in the hands of someone afraid they, themselves, will at some point not have enough and be pushed to the side by the world due to generational needless inequality and boundless greed.

to know it not enough. because we definitely know. we definitely see. but we disregard the fact that things are done by doing them. not by money. not by hope. not by charities or lotteries of winners and losers. one step, one moment, one action at a time.

if we wanting we could literally fly enough food and shelter and water to the philippines.. people to help get them back to stability. on hundreds of planes. because we simply have enough -resources and people- around the totality of Here to do that. a nationalization of resource assures that no one is without. because then all would have and share what is here. like the air we all breathe equally.

the equal life party addresses the disregard we display towards life within fighting over abundancy here. its clear we are not using what WE have as far as tangible items and individual and collective responsibility to our selves and one another. establishing a living income guaranteed is the first step in equalizing all points of life we all share. so life and what is needed by life is not contingent on money. now is the time of the creation of a party that is willing to honestly consider the bottom line. and thats always life. in that consideration- no one is left out of the equation.

-living income guaranteed -

http://basicincomeguaranteed.wordpress.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed

-equal life foundation

https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation

http://equalmoney.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=7146

day 17: new responsibilities - sf/scs

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest fear and worry for and within myself due to know being aware of exactly every step i would have to take in order to make it so my sister and i would have a consistent roof over our head and running water and electricity and all things she would need at a child.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "sike myself out" within writing down all the expenses i would have to take care of each month - activating my created relationship to the idea of money where there has always been fear and worry around the outcome of any situation that involves money. which is every situation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest instability for and within myself because i wanted to, selfishly, label myself though not clear what i even wanted the label to be.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that labels are not needing to interact in the physical.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that being someones [mother or sister or parent or teacher or guide or insert label here] is not important- for not accepting and allowing myself to see that realizing myself as someones, every ones, equal as participating parts of the whole of life is where equal accountability within participating is established.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my unworkedout experiences in life to judge others - not seeing that in this i, essentially, judge the myself that i see in others.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to always bring a reaction to anyone or anything back to myself. because any reaction (both positive and negative ones..)within me is created within and for me. its is felt and experienced only by me. thus the accountability for the creation of any reaction is always with me. about me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire training and, sometimes, use it as an excuse or point of self whinning as to how difficult this process of , really- simply interacting with another being can be.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the role the parent plays in the life of any adult when they were growing up until i myself was at a point where it was my responsibility to care for another being in the way we mentally only think someone who is a parent would.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all life is in some way parenting/teaching/guiding one another in our collective existence here in this world. and in this there is a responsibility toward life that we collectively parent and teach and guide in the ways of what it is to be here.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the moment to moment opportunities for teaching and learning alike

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the past emotionally appreciate the act of building houses with charity - in this disregarding my responsibility towards self research and self honesty which both would show that there has always been more vacant homes and space in relation to how many people there were "forced" by situations and circumstance to be living outside.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest fear within and for myself due to the self honesty it takes to admit that i am doing something that i may classify as "wrong" that i see is what is actually producing undesired results.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to negate accountability by wallowing in shame.

i commit myself to slowing down...slowing down and breathing are the most supportive things ever. in these physical actions we literally create what we think we have none of. time. time to create what happens next.

i commit myself to continue working on slowing down my reactions to realize my place as creator of me not just "be-er" of this person named tree. in this i take responsibility for me in totality. my tone, my delivery, my thoughts, my reactions. all of it.

i commit myself to work on dropping the labels placed on people and things and simply be and equal participant, present in the moment of interaction.

day 16: new responsibilities

for a little over a year i have had to take on the responsibility of providing for my now 16 year old sister. this is not something that i set out to do or even something that i thought i could do. what i knew was that it needed to be done. so i took on this responsibility. ive been told im not her mother and i cannot try to be. which i agree with. though i struggle with the idea that i am not just her sister though. which fucks with me because ultimately, i am just her sister. i can place self importance on a label as her guardian or her role model or provider or some other shit to appease an idea i have created in my mind. but in actuality, i am just her sister.

two sisters. two beings. living together. supporting one another in more ways than one whether we intend to or not.

living with a younger person is very interesting. ive always thought so but moreso found enjoyment withing the interest with the really young ones and annoyance within the interest with the older young ones. i think this is due to the uncomfortability and misunderstanding and drama i experienced as an "older young one" myself that i see reflected to me in the actions of those around me. to where i choose to react to what i see with annoyance at myself in all actuality instead of finding understanding within it for myself to be able to move myself to release the chains created around my own experience to be able to move myself within the experience of seeing similar in another.

one thing that is different about living with a 16 year old being versus living with a 2 year old being is that the 2 year old physically reflects what they gather about life from those around them while the 16 year old can literally verbalize what u are existing as. and if the communication is open, they will. and even if they do not verbalize it to u they are not just taking it in like a 2 year old. its seen and they make decisions (both guided and misguided) on agreeing or disagreeing with it. so when i was living with my niece if i was being emotional or angry she would reflect that emotion and anger in her behavior as learning. but now that i am living with my sister if i am being emotional or angry she will call me out on what im in the process of creating within and for me. saying, "ur being emotional right now." or "u are just yelling and being angry." or if she sees that i got angry but got attention from someone she can, misguidedly, make the inference that anger can be used to produce manipulative results. children are always taking us in. and there are many ways to do that as a growing child.

small children and babies do not have this "luxury" in the early most formative years of their lives. to discern what those around them are feeding, teaching, showing them. they count on whomever they are born to to show them what it is to be a human being in every way. which is why the teaching of children requires that one is educated to do so. we do not allow teachers to teach without some form of training to do so. but parents receive no training to be parents. to be these teachers. these first and foremost, teachers. but we recognize the need for training to teach life here in our corrupt system of education(via competition.. via manipulation). its dismissive that we do not require training once one becomes pregnant and about to be one of two teachers coming together to raise a child that will become an adult the collective world will have to share space with. some points that could be addressed are patience, recognizing spite, being a living word, self creation, equality as life, the importance of specificity...those are just some "classes" off the top of my head that would have supported me in realizing i am in a role where i am a teacher to another. not just with my sister but as a piece of life -living, breathing,being and teaching just like all other pieces. i am not even a parent yet what i am doing within coming together with my sister (with another being) could have used some training of sorts. again, that is where our parent/first teachers would support us in learning how to interact with ourselves and others in an effective way. to where all become trained teachers/self teachers.

many parents have stated that they are unable to focus on the task of parenting/teaching their children because they are too busy working or looking for work to be able to keep food on the table, clothes on backs and a roof over heads. the basics. trying to survive in a world of plenty currently trumps the focus of our role as parents in this world. where a new responsibility can literally put someone out of a home if the game we have made out of getting what one needs to stay alive isnt played well enough. i know i have experienced this myself. not knowing how or if i would be able to make ends meet to be able to continue with running water, electricity, food in the fridge... this is a needless wall we have built around our ability and responsibility as parents towards the little ones in this world. efforts such as a living income guaranteed recognizes our collective right to life and gives a living income to assure all that are unable to themselves are supported to have what is needed to live. none are left with a turned back from the world to starve or die due to not having enough money at ones disposal. care and consideration can be equally distributed. it must be equally distributed. we can stop this hindrance much of the poor experience in relation to not being able to have what is needed to live a life of dignity. read about the living income guaranteed here! we have to be willing to see action that produces consequence. all consequence, both desired consequence and loathed consequence, are due to action somewhere. if everything in our life is the result of choices we have made then it should be the practical decision to change the things we choose to do to change what we experience as life.

self forgiveness to come...