hope -noun-
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
2. a person or thing in which expectations are centered.
hope -verb-
1. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
2. to believe, desire, or trust.
of the many useless things that i have given up, im most grateful for hope. grateful to be hopeless.
standout experiences with hope:
----i remember my first experience with death. it was my uncle that had died. was murdered actually. i was young. single digit age. my first thought when finding out that he was dead was - i hope he is okay -. i knew what death and dying and murder was but that was the initial thought. followed by realization that he was not "okay" because he was dead. and from everyone around mes reaction, THAT was not okay. so i learned to be sad within death here. but i did not make the connection that my hope was both needless and useless within what was really going on here in the physical.
----on my birthday, i cannot remember the year but i definitely remember the day was my birthday, my mother and father split up. we had went to the grocery store with my mom and got things for a family celebration of my birthday. upon getting home some shit hit some fan and we ( my brother and 3 sisters and i) quickly ushered ourselves into my room. i remember my dad being really angry with my mom and cursing at her and calling her names. bitch was one i remember vividly. my dad had/has a lot of anger so that wasnt new. but they didnt usually fight like this. it was ugly to me at that age. so i sat in my room with my siblings and i hoped that they would figure everything out and we could have my birthday fun and things would be okay with us. i hoped that they would just stop fighting. but my dad ended up leaving the house that day and they ended up splitting.
----when i was about 13 or 14 years old i remember a instant uproar in my house. someone in my family, ill just refer to this person as H, was out and was supposedly robbed at gun point and taken by these robbers/kidnappers. H was with a friend who was not taken. H was supposedly allowed to call home "one last time" to "say goodbye". everyone was very upset after that. i heard the word 'rapped' said multiple times. we had called the police and were calling all over trying to figure out what to do. at this point i was being semi-introduced to a comfort-ability within christianity. so im wanting to reach out to this god/jesus person who is supposed to be puppet mastering all things down here to bring H out of this mess. bring me comfort. so i finally go to my room and lay on my bed and i hope and pray and hope and pray that H comes home. so i basically went into my room to think myself and the situation better. it was not even a full minute of this before H came falling through the door upset and crying. at that moment i thought, "wow!" i felt like maybe my hoping and praying were real actions that did real things. **our idea of "timing" can be a real mind fuck...** which was completely untruthful, in fact. in actuality there was and is to this day MUCH inconsistency about H's story and even if all happened they way it was assumed H was on our street when i decided to hope and pray her home. the hoping and praying made me feel like i was doing something in the mist of not really being able to do a thing (well, unable to do a thing that would make me feel good or better about the actuality of the situation). and results were had that i tried to attribute to my hoping and praying. but it still didnt seem like the hoping and praying deserved the attribution. because in the physical the truth was being seen.
----we didnt have a lot of money growing up. well, when it was just us and my mom we didnt. we got by but at the extent of that which i could not entirely know as a child and not the one who needs to find the way to pay for the things we needed (and wanted..). so all of what was done to get by, i do not know. i was in a magnet school which is a preparatory type school that was geared towards business. within this school we went on a lot of field trips. many of which were not only out of state but multiple days. everytime one came around i knew that my mom would have to do something to come up with the money. my dad would help out when he could from another state (as they had split..) but he was trying to make a transition from selling weed (which i did not find out until a couple of years ago. about the attempt at a transition. i always knew about weed.), which was his normal job for years and was lucrative for a time when we were young but not to a constant extent to make him continue, to legal employment. and it was a difficult transition. but when it came to school things i wanted, well i wanted. and i knew things were tight with money but i always hoped they would find a way to send me on every trip. sometimes they did. sometimes they did not. but this is where much hope went. to pleasing myself without consideration of the movement it took to manifest the consequence.
----by the time my mom died any idea of hope or a purpose for it was on its last leg also. even though they would not tell me weather she was dead or not the whole way to the hospital i knew that i was not about to let myself hope for the best as i experienced that hope truly DID nothing but make self feel better for a moment (if that). hope did not assist in stability and actuality or movement. so i waited. waited to see what was what. but i felt i knew that she was already dead. and i knew i couldnt hope the actuality of that shit away.
hope does not move or manifest in the physical. it pacifies the mind. ive seen throughout my years of hoping how useless this mental idea of action is HERE in the physical.
definition
hopeless -adjective-
1. having or offering no hope.
2. having no possibility of solution. impossible.
3. unable to learn, function, etc.
^^the #2 and #3 definitions are mind defined. even if something is considered "hopeless" that does not mean there is no possibility of a solution. it means there may well be no possibility of a solution that is desirable and not fearful within one with expectations of an outcome that is "supposed to be" as one hopes. and if someone is considered "hopeless" that does not mean they are unable to learn, function etc. it means that the person is being judged due to the self appointed limitations within the mind of person considering an idea of hope as a deciding factor of movement.
mind defined means not defined in connection with that which is an actuality here in the physical.
within words, the way i have been moving to consider how to move within and as them is to look at the definition that we have given the word to see a couple things: if the verbal definition honestly exist here in the physical, if the definition is actually lived in the physical or used to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions in the mind and if the definition is one that considers all LIFE or one that considers the deceptive mind of the individual. and within this consideration i apply words as they are honestly defined. if i can stand as these words then cool. i use them. if i cannot stand as these words honestly here in the physical i move to delete them.
i quote this often when people are speaking on hope and wishes and prayers "hope/wish/pray in one hand and shit in the other. see which one fills up faster."
hope is ultimately about the fear of or desire for possibility. though the fearing of or desiring for an outcome does not produce the outcome. within the idea of hope the movement that is required to produce anything HERE is disregarded in favor of mental masturbation by way of fear or desire.
self realization: i cannot be HERE and hopeful at the same time.
self forgiveness and self-corrective statements to come..
