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a side point of reference about music...i really enjoy music. as i enjoy the many ways of self expression as dance, speech, drawing, movement, singing, sex and much more. i am aware that all expression that comes through as music does not have the starting point of what is best for all. or even the starting point of what is an honest expression of the express-er. and that was apparent to me when starting this process many years ago. it was apparent to me in the words that were chosen to be used within the expression of music that the starting point was to present a specific presentation of the person expressing or that the starting point was to profit from what is being expressed. so i was kinda afraid to enjoy music once i realized the totality of music. a being stood as the physical manifestation of support when i was creating this fear in the form of the following:
you enjoy because you are enjoying you. without participation in thoughts/feelings/emotions... as you walk this path, life actually becomes fascinating and amusing. and sure there are moments of "till here no further", STANDing up and saying NO to that which doesn't belong in Creation. but STANDing up will flow out from your natural expression and it won't be scary or stressful or coming from an emotion. you just stand. that's it. NOW. unconditionally. and so the journey unfolds into you becoming more stable in the only point within you that IS STABLE.. YOU.
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so i was in the kitchen listening to this song as i moved around doing what i was doing. ive been making a point to ACTUALLY listen to what it is i am listening too. not to judge the music or the expression as i did in the past that i accepted and allowed to make me manifest a fear of enjoyment or a fear of music or a fear of anything that is not what i had mindfucked myself into thinking was "perfect" but to ACTUALLY take a look at what is being presented within full awareness. there is a big difference between judgement and awareness. both do not exist together. one cannot be fully aware if one is existing within judgement. so, i am enjoying but listening and being aware of the whole of what it is i am experiencing as self expression. the chorus of the song goes "there's hope. it doesn't cost a thing to smile. you don't have to pay to laugh. you better thank god for that."
considering the whole of this within myself, i say aloud, "well, thats bullshit."
my sister says from the living room, "what?!" annoyed at my comment which i can now see was made HERE but the context in which i considered to make the comment was not. which leaves space to be misunderstood.
i said, "this song is singing about some bullshit."
she says, "whats so wrong with hope? (like a -here u go again with this consideration shit lol) everyone has hope. u always try and "shit on" hope every time u hear someone talking about it."
im sure i have talked of the actuality of our idea of hope in the past but i was not aware that those times were being used by my sis to create a bit of resentment towards me, within her, because she appreciated her idea of hope and holds it high in regards. again, now looking back i see that within other conversations of me talking of hope and the point of emotion and the bullshit of both that there was body language that indicated discomfort but not being aware of how to express the discomfort. and i have not made a point to self honestly assess body language, of myself and of others, in moments so this went un-noticed within the moment is was expressed. **point to look at. body language.**
i let her know that initially my comment stemmed from considering the part of the song that says "it doesn't cost a thing to smile. you don't have to pay to laugh. you better thank god for that." because in ACTUALITY everything cost. i tell her even us sitting here in this room smiling and laughing together cost money as we are sitting on a comfortable couch which cost money, listening to music on a television that cost money by an artist who was given money to express herself, surrounded by walls which cost money, sitting in clothes that cost money, next to a fridge with food and other appliances that cost money, being powered by electricity which cost money, being paid for with jobs that give us money. all of these things and more attribute to the "free" smiles and laughter this song is saying that we should thank god for. and that this wasnt about me "shitting on" hope or anything really. to which she understood but says that everyone hopes or wants or has desires. gave the example of someone going for a job. people have hope they get the job or have hope for things to happen. i said that i dont want a job or hope that i get one. i simply know i need a job to survive her in this world we have made about surviving and not honest living. and that doesnt have to be about anything other than that 'what is' point. but i also know that i cannot expect or hope for a job. i can only move to get one as best i can through actions. i told her that having expectations or hopes is not supportive because for real, we cannot possibly know how all other beings which are connected always and which many will have a direct hand in helping manifest what we expect to happen will move themselves. so what actually makes things HERE? the hope that things will happen a certain way or the action by way of self movement? its action. hands down. this idea of hope is what makes self feel "good" or "in control" when walking an outcome or waiting for an outcome which self has already mindfucked itself into expecting. i pointed out that the purpose is not to make self feel "good" or "bad" about shit within judgment but to be aware and present within what is HERE in the physical.
she sees (or think she sees) me as being some kind of "hope hater". which i am not. but what i also am not is someone who is willing to disregard what is because ive accepted and allowed whats not makes me feel "good". i told her i dont rest in an idea of hope at all. as i KNOW that hope as u may, hope as u might, ACTION is what moves HERE. not an idea of hope. i realized pretty early on that this wasnt entirely about my comment or the song but about my sisters relationship with her idea of hope and her creation of that idea being "under attack". there is much going on within her in which she has expressed much hope about the outcome of certain situations or ventures she is doing right now. another job, her business, being able to have her own place, being able to move herself this way or that way... as i realized that the origin of this was about her, basically, love and appreciation and defense for her idea of 'hope' within the "good feelings" she gets from wanting and desiring things to happen i just moved within the common sense of it all. that which can really only be denied with self deception.
i talked about what hope really is. hoping is actually wishing or praying. when one hopes for something to happen all the actuality of what it takes to produce said something is actually disregarded while one rest in the feeling produced by the idea of hoping for said something to happen. many times there is the illusion of movement within hope as prayer. where hoping and wishing and praying are considered actions that produce. like to hope or wish or pray puts something into the universe and the universe(or an idea of god), responding to the energy of the hoping, wishing and praying helps to produce what one hopes, wishes or prays for. hope is useful only to the mind. to get REAL about things here we must drop all ideas of hopes or wishes or prayers and "feel goods" and MOVE OURSELVES fully within accountability and responsibility for the unfolding of circumstances in OUR WORLD. hoping, wishing, praying- all the same thing. a hope is a prayer to the universe. a prayer is a hope to an idea of god.
hope/pray/wish in one hand and shit in the other. see which one fill up faster.
my sister is not a believer in god or prayer or blessings or wishes. at all. hasnt been for a long time lol. and i know much of that has to do with me beginning to stand as who i am within my realizations about the world in which we live in and the deception and lies and truths that are apparent but disregarded for this reason or that and being able to voice that i do not stand as a believer in god or any form of abdication to people. but the context (through researching and investigation and introspection and consideration of our words and other perspectives and realizations and self forgiveness)to which i realized these things is not the context to which she realized this thing as ' i am not a believer and i will tell people that i am not a believer and i resent people thinking that i am a believer and i hope but i dont pray or wish. '. so putting the idea of hoping to her this way in relation to the idea of praying forced her to consider the point a bit deeper it seemed. even though she ended it with "well, i dont agree." but who actually knows but she...
more to expand on this point of hope as well as self forgiveness and self-commitment statements to come..
