day 21: the travelling idea of accepted bullying

bully verb

use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants. synonyms: persecute, oppress, tyrannize, browbeat, harass, torment, intimidate, strong-arm, dominate; more.

ive been working this event for the past month or so with roxul. its a insulation that is formulated out of rocks (basalt and slag) instead of fiberglass. so in working this event i have been going around to two stores that sell insulation doing demos showing all the features and benefits of roxul. in doing this ive been talking to a lot of employees. getting knowledge about how the product is moving off the shelf, expressed contractor concerns and generally educating the employees to be able to educate the consumers on this insulation option. in doing this i have learned a lot about the way these two companies work. and moreover about the way these two companies work together. or lack there of.

anytime i mentioned the name of one company i will refer to as S company in the presence of employees of the other company i will refer to as T company it was like i was screaming curse words in the building lol. and vice versa. one wanted nothing to do with the other as an unspoken sense of hatred because they do and sell, essentially, the same products and services. (*there is much to say about our overall practices of business in this world and their practicality but im trying not to digress and stick to this one point. which is a point for myself. focus within writing. in that every blog i write does not have to address every connecting point to the point i am speaking on. and when realizing that all points connect really lol i sometimes lose my focus and self direction in writing. so i breathe..and focus.) in talking to one employee at S company about the roxul product and its flow off the shelves so far seeing as S company just started to carry the product within the past couple of month even though T company has been carrying it for at least a year i was told that S company is a lot more conservative and fearful and harder to convince than T company to do certain things and the employees had to petition for months to get roxul in the building. the employee spoke on the way S company hinders itself due to its accepted and allowed ideas and stances of its board of directors but also the way T company had strove to hinder them as well. T company has been in business for a lot longer than S company. though they both do and sell the same products and services, T company is bigger. it has more money, more stores, more employees, more friends and more strength. and this 'more' is used to T company's advantage. the employee let me know that there are a couple of products that S company cannot sell or was not allowed to sell for a period of time because T company is so big and has so much money and strength that T company went to the manufacturer and told them that they, T company, will buy their product and put it in all of their stores BUT ONLY if the manufacturer agreed not to sell to S company. either at all in some cases or for a period of time in others. basically, T company bullied the manufacturer via size and the ability to control the profit of the manufacturer to force them to do what T company wanted. corporate bullying. big company "taking the lunch money" of little company because of shear size.

this nurtured, encouraged world wide sense of competition as the basis of growth and prosperity has seeped into every aspect of our lives here in this world. to where we feel like we cannot live and grow (do business, wear clothes, express ourselves, eat, walk, drive..) unless we are "one uping" or beating out someone else to do it. ive experienced this within my writing also. where i separate myself from other life essentially to the point that i judge my expression in comparison to what i judge of their expression. accepting and allowing ideas of this others expression being great and profound and "right" within the sense of competition as the basis of everything assist me in creating ideas that my writing is not so great and profound and essentially "wrong" in comparison to what i hold "on high" of someone elses expression. when considering my acceptance of these ideas i see what we, as a world, are really being bullied by is our sense of separation from one another as life within oneness and equality here. to where this sense of separation uses the strength we fuel it with via the energy our acceptance and allowance gives to this idea to intimidate us into fearing our oneness and equality as life here. we fear our obvious connection. we separate ourselves into businesses, families, religions, systems, countries, states, parties, cities, teams, races, genders. we are intimidated by the mere idea of not separating ourselves into these things.

this idea of bullying travels. it doesnt begin or end in our schools with our children. it starts with us. who we are accepting and allowing ourselves to be as adult people as examples to younger people. we are so busy trying to control how children are becoming in this world we miss the point that we create every platform for their growth. via our society, our cultures, our government, our schools, our media, our music, our entertainment, our motivation as an example. we, adults, show them, children, how we are and they make themselves accordingly. the relationship of parent to child is where most children first experience the experience of being bullied. i know it was that way for me. my relationship with my parents is where i first learned that people can make other people do what they want by playing on an emotion or idea. "i am ur parent so thats why what i say is true." being someone who enjoys self educating and considering that which is not widely considered and someone who understands that i do not live in a world that is transparent but instead very secretive and manipulating at every turn, i know that all there is to learn about a subject- be it writing, economics, health care, deforestation, animal testing, clothing manufacturing, people..- is not readily expressed and shared with all. no one is telling the whole story of things in the day to day. not our schools, with our politicians, our presidents, our teachers, our parents. ourselves. there is much missed within all aspects of who we are as people here. and we should take opportunity from that realization. not shame. our team, team Life, is only as strong as its weakest link. we must work to stop bullying ourselves with our sense of separation by realizing our equality as life here. if we dont we will continue to doom ourselves and future generations. we cannot sit and wonder why things happen to us in separation of self from life. things dont just happen. things are created..formulated..made to happen. we are all active participants in this one life. only from accountability can anything different come forth.

the desteni lite course has really helped me in addressing myself within my realizations as i go through my process. self forgiveness to come.

day 20: a conversation about fear - sf/scs

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question the nature of fear but to rest on the illusion of its actuality over the actuality of existence here in the physical.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to slow down the individual participated process of personalizing my idea of fear to see how it is, indeed, a process in which self participates in the creation by accepting and allowing ideas instead of exploring and understanding the actuality of action and consequence here in this world.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the guidelines and teachings of another blindly. blindly meaning without consideration of the 'what is' but instead only following 'whats told'. in this blind following i am literally living out the ideas of another all the while tricking myself into thinking a passed on idea is "just who i am". within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that even if i am making myself in the image and likeness of the ideas of others i am still making myself. there is always self accountablity.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my fear blind me to the common sense that is readily equally here.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fearfully follow the idea that people should have to pay money to stay alive. in this putting of a price on life and allowing those to lose to serve as example of those still in the game. within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from those who are losing in this game we have made of life missing the physical consequence this acceptance and allowance has in our world.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear questioning. we present our children with "safe" or acceptable places in which they are to question. it is not something that is accepting and allowed to be done freely, openly or on every platform. we also present our children with people in which they are to and are not to question. in this we absolutely stifle the youths budding ability to learn, discern and fact find. within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the idea that i am only supposed to question some things and not others which gives to me, from me, a sense of being controlled by the unquestionable when self is always the physical point of creation here. creation of ideas and questions and movements. and i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pass this idea along to be lived by the youth of this world.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at fear from the perspective of something that is naturally within me and thus should always be there. in this i disregard the actuality of my participation in the creation of 'what it is we fear' or 'what it is i fear'.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to break fear down and see what it is i must contribute to the idea of fear for it to be real for myself.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find realization within the fact that everyones fears are different. not all fear death. not all fear dogs. in this disregard i miss the point of the individually personalized and created experience of fear.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the energy generated when creating the idea of fear for myself is 'who i am' as life and to find comfort within that energy as needed. missing the point of creation and what that means here in the physical for self and all life as one as equal when giving power to the idea instead of seeing self as the intiator/creator. within this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize self responsibility within creation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the idea that fear is something that happens outside of me that i am simply at the mercy of. in this i give the power of the actuality of my self movement to thoughts towards being a victim to what it is i fear. in this acceptance and allowance of self pity i do not give myself a chance to walk back the creation of fear.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly follow the idea of fear instead of having that conversation with self where i question the idea to see it for what it actual is.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create frustration within me when people show fear of my dogs because i do not create the same experience for myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the outcome of events..to fear what i do not yet know.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the responsibility that walking through what it is i fear demands as creator of the individual experience of what it is i fear.

i commit myself to slowing things down and focusing on being present within my breath when faced with a fear or the idea of something that i would fear doing. allowing myself to release addiction to that energy generated when creating fear.

i commit myself to question. everything. mainly parts of myself that i accept and allow without question. these things that are "just who i am". and in turn parts of the world that i accept and allow without question. these things that are "just who we are".

i commit myself having conversations. being open to conversation with people. in awareness within communication i am able to see how i am expressing myself.

i commit myself to not accept and allow fear to make me willfully blind to the actuality of a situation.

i commit myself to stop creating needlessness in the form of fears for myself.

i commit myself to stopping self judgement when faced with realization of the need to change.

day 19: a conversation about fear

i was at work yesterday chatting with one of the employees at the venue that was hosting the event. this was my second time at this location so we had spoken with each other throughout the day last time i was working. traffic was slow at the time and we got to talking about all kinds of things but the main point was fear and what it can do and present in our world. fear as the basis of misunderstanding via the creation of ideas forged in fear. i was speaking about the fear point starting when people are very young. religion is the way many first learn to create fear. fear god or else.. fear the word of god or else.. that "or else" or hell/damnation is a huge factor within the whole of religion that people do not like to look at for its obvious nature of manipulation. and for fear that it is true and one of those damned people that the bible claims to "love" but will ultimately kill and torture in hell fire for will be them.

but the fear is embedded so strong that misunderstanding via the creation of ideas forged in fear trumps common sense and consideration of all life one an equal. he asked me if i believed in god and was shocked when i told him i did not. i told him fear is introduced to children by parents that had it introduced to them as 'the reason and the way' when they were children. and that point is not so hard to shake even if we learn to stop letting our parents ideas make us and take the self direction to consider all things and make ourselves. the desire to hold on to what one is use to or comfortable with is matched by the fear of letting go. and fear is an underlined point within the teachings of any religion. he said that he had seen the flip of religion creating fear to where fear created religion within his experiences when he was younger and orson welles made movies that people mistook for news. he said it was literally pandemonium in the world around him. people were stocking up, killing themselves, buying guns, flooding the churches and finding religion.the fear generated from the idea of the movies being real was creating. and he said it was done again a couple of years later with another welles movies. we spoke about how the world use to think the earth was flat and other ridiculous declarations of "truth" that turned out to be either fear driven misunderstandings or complete and utter lies used to manipulate the masses.

because we are afraid to question religion we are afraid to question the hate, slavery, adultery, racism, separation, abuse and most important, fear that it advocates. so there is always the point of accepted cruelty that can be found and elaborated on in the name of, really, an inconsiderate sense of exploration and discovery when it comes to religion as a whole. all religions think the road to eternal life lies within their teaches and no others. and that very small but significant point, within the whole of what is to be considered, has never made common sense to me when looking at it with self honesty. he said to me that he never looked at it like that before. the man mentioned that he experiences these accepted sense of separation when he is out with his granddaughter. he is an older white man and she is a mixed race little girl of 5 years. he says that he notices the looks he gets from other people when they are out. its the sense of either she does not belong with him or he does not belong with her. ive heard this same sentiment from others who have mixed race children or adopted children of another race. we dont even need to use our words to separate ourselves from one another as life. if we are doing it in our minds it has the same effect here in the physical. nothing is missed. even a sly look from a passerby.

he told me of an experience he and his brother had when they were younger that has stuck with him throughout his years. kentucky born and raised, the two brothers, on their way to the corner store for snacks. he noticed an elderly black woman standing in the lighted doorway of a closed building very late in the evening and wondered to himself what she was doing there at this time of night. on the way back from the store he saw her there still and the two boys decided to go and see if the woman was okay or needed help. they went over and could see the fear in this old womans whole being. his brother asked if she was okay or needed help and she explained to them that she got off the bus and had no clue where she was only that she was in kentucky in a all white neighborhood and that she was absolutely terrified. which they could already clearly see. he said he wondered to himself, even at that young age, what the hell had happened to her or what she experienced that led her to be this fearful of being in an all white neighborhood. he himself had never had the experience so it was hard for him to understand the consequence he was seeing within the woman. the two boys told her how about they wait with her until the next bus came so she could relax and feel safe. to which she was very grateful. they waiting with her and then got on the bus to instruct the bus driver where she needed to go. and the driver told her to sit up front and he would make sure she got where she needed to go. he said that experience has stayed with him for years. the fear she had in her was something that was new for him to see at that age. and it really showed him how fucked things were for people of difference raises in an intolerable world.

was a pretty cool conversation we were having that we had to end too soon because of the fact that we both were working.

self forgiveness to come on these points..

day 18: to know is not enough

driving to work today i was listening to npr. someone was reporting on the devastation of the typhoon in the phillipines and how people do not have food and shelter and clean water. they were reporting that they do not have access to food and clean water and shelter because they do not have access to trucks to ship these things in.

what i saw in this is that- we know. we know exactly what it is that is needed by these, our fellow humans. we know that the people there need shelter, food, clean water and the ability to rebuild. but because we put a price on everything, mainly life, we can know and not act and say to ourselves "we dont have enough money to do..". when money is not even needed. food and clean water and shelter and trucks are. action is. compassion is. understanding is. equality is. to be quite honest, if we wanted to we could have flew everything in that was needed the day after it happened. this is the same with any natural disaster. we perpetuate the hardship within such a situation by not simply doing what needs to be done. because we are divided within ourselves..within our world, we are divided within the common sense of what needs to be done in situations like this. together, we could literally do anything. we have planes. we have food. we have shelter. we have people able and willing to help. though many like myself in the current system could not afford to take the time off to go and help because i must work or i wont eat. we do not currently recognize the right to life once born. time is a luxury currently. its bought and sold like life. and when we make action or potential reliant on money we stifle our physical ability to move our bodies. its ridiculous.

and this is something that goes on daily. people in need and plenty of what is needed lying around somewhere in the hands of someone afraid they, themselves, will at some point not have enough and be pushed to the side by the world due to generational needless inequality and boundless greed.

to know it not enough. because we definitely know. we definitely see. but we disregard the fact that things are done by doing them. not by money. not by hope. not by charities or lotteries of winners and losers. one step, one moment, one action at a time.

if we wanting we could literally fly enough food and shelter and water to the philippines.. people to help get them back to stability. on hundreds of planes. because we simply have enough -resources and people- around the totality of Here to do that. a nationalization of resource assures that no one is without. because then all would have and share what is here. like the air we all breathe equally.

the equal life party addresses the disregard we display towards life within fighting over abundancy here. its clear we are not using what WE have as far as tangible items and individual and collective responsibility to our selves and one another. establishing a living income guaranteed is the first step in equalizing all points of life we all share. so life and what is needed by life is not contingent on money. now is the time of the creation of a party that is willing to honestly consider the bottom line. and thats always life. in that consideration- no one is left out of the equation.

-living income guaranteed -

http://basicincomeguaranteed.wordpress.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/BIGuaranteed

-equal life foundation

https://www.facebook.com/EqualLifeFoundation

http://equalmoney.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=7146

day 17: new responsibilities - sf/scs

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest fear and worry for and within myself due to know being aware of exactly every step i would have to take in order to make it so my sister and i would have a consistent roof over our head and running water and electricity and all things she would need at a child.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to "sike myself out" within writing down all the expenses i would have to take care of each month - activating my created relationship to the idea of money where there has always been fear and worry around the outcome of any situation that involves money. which is every situation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest instability for and within myself because i wanted to, selfishly, label myself though not clear what i even wanted the label to be.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that labels are not needing to interact in the physical.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that being someones [mother or sister or parent or teacher or guide or insert label here] is not important- for not accepting and allowing myself to see that realizing myself as someones, every ones, equal as participating parts of the whole of life is where equal accountability within participating is established.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my unworkedout experiences in life to judge others - not seeing that in this i, essentially, judge the myself that i see in others.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to always bring a reaction to anyone or anything back to myself. because any reaction (both positive and negative ones..)within me is created within and for me. its is felt and experienced only by me. thus the accountability for the creation of any reaction is always with me. about me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire training and, sometimes, use it as an excuse or point of self whinning as to how difficult this process of , really- simply interacting with another being can be.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the role the parent plays in the life of any adult when they were growing up until i myself was at a point where it was my responsibility to care for another being in the way we mentally only think someone who is a parent would.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all life is in some way parenting/teaching/guiding one another in our collective existence here in this world. and in this there is a responsibility toward life that we collectively parent and teach and guide in the ways of what it is to be here.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the moment to moment opportunities for teaching and learning alike

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the past emotionally appreciate the act of building houses with charity - in this disregarding my responsibility towards self research and self honesty which both would show that there has always been more vacant homes and space in relation to how many people there were "forced" by situations and circumstance to be living outside.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest fear within and for myself due to the self honesty it takes to admit that i am doing something that i may classify as "wrong" that i see is what is actually producing undesired results.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to negate accountability by wallowing in shame.

i commit myself to slowing down...slowing down and breathing are the most supportive things ever. in these physical actions we literally create what we think we have none of. time. time to create what happens next.

i commit myself to continue working on slowing down my reactions to realize my place as creator of me not just "be-er" of this person named tree. in this i take responsibility for me in totality. my tone, my delivery, my thoughts, my reactions. all of it.

i commit myself to work on dropping the labels placed on people and things and simply be and equal participant, present in the moment of interaction.

day 16: new responsibilities

for a little over a year i have had to take on the responsibility of providing for my now 16 year old sister. this is not something that i set out to do or even something that i thought i could do. what i knew was that it needed to be done. so i took on this responsibility. ive been told im not her mother and i cannot try to be. which i agree with. though i struggle with the idea that i am not just her sister though. which fucks with me because ultimately, i am just her sister. i can place self importance on a label as her guardian or her role model or provider or some other shit to appease an idea i have created in my mind. but in actuality, i am just her sister.

two sisters. two beings. living together. supporting one another in more ways than one whether we intend to or not.

living with a younger person is very interesting. ive always thought so but moreso found enjoyment withing the interest with the really young ones and annoyance within the interest with the older young ones. i think this is due to the uncomfortability and misunderstanding and drama i experienced as an "older young one" myself that i see reflected to me in the actions of those around me. to where i choose to react to what i see with annoyance at myself in all actuality instead of finding understanding within it for myself to be able to move myself to release the chains created around my own experience to be able to move myself within the experience of seeing similar in another.

one thing that is different about living with a 16 year old being versus living with a 2 year old being is that the 2 year old physically reflects what they gather about life from those around them while the 16 year old can literally verbalize what u are existing as. and if the communication is open, they will. and even if they do not verbalize it to u they are not just taking it in like a 2 year old. its seen and they make decisions (both guided and misguided) on agreeing or disagreeing with it. so when i was living with my niece if i was being emotional or angry she would reflect that emotion and anger in her behavior as learning. but now that i am living with my sister if i am being emotional or angry she will call me out on what im in the process of creating within and for me. saying, "ur being emotional right now." or "u are just yelling and being angry." or if she sees that i got angry but got attention from someone she can, misguidedly, make the inference that anger can be used to produce manipulative results. children are always taking us in. and there are many ways to do that as a growing child.

small children and babies do not have this "luxury" in the early most formative years of their lives. to discern what those around them are feeding, teaching, showing them. they count on whomever they are born to to show them what it is to be a human being in every way. which is why the teaching of children requires that one is educated to do so. we do not allow teachers to teach without some form of training to do so. but parents receive no training to be parents. to be these teachers. these first and foremost, teachers. but we recognize the need for training to teach life here in our corrupt system of education(via competition.. via manipulation). its dismissive that we do not require training once one becomes pregnant and about to be one of two teachers coming together to raise a child that will become an adult the collective world will have to share space with. some points that could be addressed are patience, recognizing spite, being a living word, self creation, equality as life, the importance of specificity...those are just some "classes" off the top of my head that would have supported me in realizing i am in a role where i am a teacher to another. not just with my sister but as a piece of life -living, breathing,being and teaching just like all other pieces. i am not even a parent yet what i am doing within coming together with my sister (with another being) could have used some training of sorts. again, that is where our parent/first teachers would support us in learning how to interact with ourselves and others in an effective way. to where all become trained teachers/self teachers.

many parents have stated that they are unable to focus on the task of parenting/teaching their children because they are too busy working or looking for work to be able to keep food on the table, clothes on backs and a roof over heads. the basics. trying to survive in a world of plenty currently trumps the focus of our role as parents in this world. where a new responsibility can literally put someone out of a home if the game we have made out of getting what one needs to stay alive isnt played well enough. i know i have experienced this myself. not knowing how or if i would be able to make ends meet to be able to continue with running water, electricity, food in the fridge... this is a needless wall we have built around our ability and responsibility as parents towards the little ones in this world. efforts such as a living income guaranteed recognizes our collective right to life and gives a living income to assure all that are unable to themselves are supported to have what is needed to live. none are left with a turned back from the world to starve or die due to not having enough money at ones disposal. care and consideration can be equally distributed. it must be equally distributed. we can stop this hindrance much of the poor experience in relation to not being able to have what is needed to live a life of dignity. read about the living income guaranteed here! we have to be willing to see action that produces consequence. all consequence, both desired consequence and loathed consequence, are due to action somewhere. if everything in our life is the result of choices we have made then it should be the practical decision to change the things we choose to do to change what we experience as life.

self forgiveness to come...

day 15: economic slavery

we are all within it. this is. dont guess this. dont beLIEve this. it does not need u to create a beLIEf around its actuality to make it more actual. its actual as is. we are all slaves. slaves to the world instead of equal participants within it.

^^^this was the last post i was working on before i stopped writing a year ago. fuck.. its been a year. dealing with my duties as an economic slave i have not been allocating time for writing. and im realizing its not because i cant. its because i dont. big difference. we use that word 'cant' often and do not give attention to what we are actually saying within these things that we, in our minds, cant do but that we, in the physical, need only move ourselves to do. we are really saying what we chose to do and not do. of course there are things that we physically cant do. like fly by flapping our arms. but there is a difference between a mental cant and a physical cant. and im seeing that while i mentally create and accept and allow the idea that i cant allocate time for writing the physical, if im willing to look at actuality versus desires, will show that i, in fact, can allocate time for writing. plain and simple. i cannot let my circumstances or my fears force me to create a wall between me and the process of birthing myself.

this shit is rough, yes. but i made a commitment to myself years ago. i said, self- we will dig and we will find and we will realize and we will stabilize. we will speak and we will write and we will share and we will move and we will change and we will care.

and we dont stop.