day 28: helping things grow - sf/scs

now family members are involved. trying to help with the disrespect and disregard and lack of care and willful irresponsibility that is coming from my sister. and its our family. so we, well i, already know their "go to". whoop ass to get results. yesterday my aunt literally threatened her. if she keeps this up she is going to whoop her ass. on hearing this it pissed me off. for various reasons. one, that it has come to this point. where its basically war now. like, oh u dont want to do what i say? ok, now its war and i will physically use force to get u to bend to my will. two, that my family is actually saying, "well fuck. i have no clue what to do. force her to stay in line." a reminder of the limitation we accept and allow of ourselves currently. and three, and the one that really fucked me up, that she may actually change her ways due to this threat. the thought of that made me sick. and sad. because i know that no ass whooping i ever got made me want to stop doing the thing i got the ass whooping for. never. if i did physically stop doing said thing it was not because i wanted to or because i understood why i shouldnt do said thing. it was because i didnt want my ass whooped. and thats a crap reason for good behavior. and is the behavior really good? or just the illusion of good? force masquerading as learning. physical force is blatant manipulation. not teaching. not guiding. not preparing. its scaring. and war. and thats what we are really. we have made ourselves into a collection of really scared people at war with one another trying to survive a inevitable collectively lost race.

my sister came in at 10pm yesterday with excuses about buses (which is a possibility but not as late as she came in from getting out of school at 3pm.)and i asked her to do simple things around the house while i was at work tonight and she did nothing instead. i honestly just want her to be 18 and out of my house. i want her out of my house now. but shes only 16. i dont know how to handle this. i dont want to have to handle this. i feel like im in an abusive relationship. and this guy is steady treating me like shit but im still sticking around taking care of him and taking it. and thats a crappy way to feel. this is such a weird situation..

this shit is fucking with me. and im letting it.. no, im doing it.
i could not care... and thats just poor little ego talking.

i could be stable.

i am stability.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my sister turning out to be a crappy human being unable to support herself in this world.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my sister being a bum in life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my sister failing out of high school and not being prepared at all for the basics of education and learning.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my sister graduating and not being prepared at all for the basics of education and learning.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad for my sister because she does not have a thirst and drive for discovery and learning like i did at 16.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though i cannot relate to someone my sisters age. because its not the age that makes the relation difficult its the mind.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though its too late for my sister. whatever the fuck that means..because i really dont know. its just a automatic thought that comes up when wallowing in my bruised ego.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost in my ego when i am being disregarded and disrespected by my sister. essentially allowing her disregard and disrespect for and with herself to be made mine. personally for me and my ego,'how dare she to ME', type of stance.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume responsibility for the outcome of my sister when i am not my sister. in this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i cant common sensically or practically make her into a decent person via who i am.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that though i am not responsible for the ultimate outcome of my sister i am still responsible as able life to do what i can to do what needs to be done.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be selfish with my ability because of my ideas about my sister deserving or not deserving it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though my sisters inconsiderate behavior is for me. when in actuality this behavior is for herself. her self that is creating itself into who my sister is allowing herself to be.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself within my sisters behavior. in this the ego comes out as a reaction to protect my idea of behaviors from another that i have decided will hurt me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take her disrespect personally. because in actuality it is only personal if i make it mine. otherwise its hers.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a year and a half into the future where my mind has created a utopia of my sister being an adult and able to be out of my house for good. a utopia where i am no longer responsible for this life. in this i forgive myself for never accepting and allowing myself to question our world as to why we get to a point where we feel we are not responsible for life any more. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put a cap on responsibility.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself because i have to pay for this childs needs when this child treats me like i dont matter. in this i forgive myself for subconsciously manifesting the acceptance that needs must be deserved or earned. this is my programming. but this is not common sense. she deserves to live a life of dignity as a birth right even if she doesnt appreciate it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell on the fact that ^that doesnt feel good as a program. because my program is hurt. its not getting what it wants. born- earn- die. my program is not being allowed to function in my sisters case.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept war as a means to creation of everything. in this we show our accepted limitation within ourselves. our acceptance of ourselves as slaves to human nature. which is just the first version of ourselves. a possibility we have stuck and solidified ourselves within.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i have to make my sister into something. i have to be stable. stand as a direct principle. in that, i make. nothing else.


i commit myself to stability. to the cultivation of stability as everything must be cultivated.
...thats really the only thing i can honestly commit myself to at the moment.