day 23: losing traction within reaction

the real test is when i am directly within and as a reaction. already made it my own. living it. manifesting the idea that is attached to the reaction in the physical that is my body. this is where self, as life, is really tested.

reaction become so automated after time. after blind acceptance and allowance of the reaction as "who i am". it comes out of nowhere it seems because we have forgot about ourselves as makers of 'it'. we gloss over and pack away the ways in which we allow behavior to flow from us. when that responsibility - for the way we experience ourselves..for our behavior- is not seen as our own but as something from outside of ourselves that we are at the mercy of/slave to 'it'. though even then we are a willing slave. a purposeful pawn in a game we make for ourselves.

who am i within whatever i am faced with? ..

i ask myself this question often. and the answer is always the same. i am life.

a tree is life.

a tree does not react to the wind. a tree moves within and as oneness with the wind.

a tree does not wait to be touched by the sun. a tree directs itself to grow towards the sun.

a tree does not worry. throughout every season, a tree is stable. so to be more like a tree..

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a reaction. when reacting i am not directing myself within the physical but i am being directed by something i see as outside of myself that i am a slave to.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rest in the blanket reasoning that automatic reactions are natural and that they are to be embraced instead of questioned.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question everything that comes from me in the moment that i see it come from me so i am ensured that i, as a self honest representation of life, am directing myself here in the physical.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within a reaction to where i feel like i must just follow the energy within the reaction. further feeding the automation by not finding strength to question the energy whilst directly in it.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be stable within responsibility for myself. meaning never attributing the responsibility for the behavior/words/thoughts that comes from me are to anyone or anything else but myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be used as a puppet by the ideas i accept and allow as the master of me.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the representation of simplicity that is displayed within nature. and my/our connection within and as that representation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move so quickly through moments that i miss their make up.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disconnecting from the process that is ' a reaction '. losing traction, so to speak, while within a reaction. stopping the embrace within and as the energy that generates the follow through of a reaction.