day 2: possession 2

definition

birthday -noun-

1. the annual anniversary of the day on which a person was born.

2. the day of one's birth.

this is a huge point of self-possession in our world as well. birthdays. it has been a huge point of self-possession within me in the past. where i felt like i HAD TO be doing something or getting showered with gifts or drinking something or dancing somewhere or pretty somewhere or adored somewhere or with people or fucking something. where i felt like the attention HAD TO be placed on me as a person because this is the day that i was born some years in the past. where i felt justified and empowered in statements like: "are you seriously doing this on MY birthday?" "u should do [fill in command here] for me because its MY birthday." "we are doing whatever i want because MY birthday." "why? because its MY birthday!" there is so much ego infused into the day we were born. in this we disregard the mutual respect and care that could be given to ALL by ALL every single day as a constant..

this starts at a very young age. wherein the parents will assist the child in creating the fantasy of 'i am the one that matters' on the day they were born. they tell them its THEIR day. yesterday, no. but today is YOURS. then the child creates importance around this one day that is MINE in which things should be perfect because it was the day that i was born. this ego point spills over into every facet of our lives when it comes to us ultimately. where we will always be able to conjure up that "birthday importance" that we feel we are entitled to on that one day on any day.

i dont make a big deal about my birthday anymore. i dont see it as some kind of milestone or accomplishment or anything else than the day i was born some years later. yet every year i am presented with the self-possession that we allow within ourselves here in this world when it comes to birthdays. yesterday was my birthday. the day before i called my cousin to see if she wanted to come over for dinner and watch a dance show that we like. she said cool. yesterday was a weekday so i nanny for my niece most weekdays unless i book work. there was no work to book so i was home during the day with my niece. i got a call from my cousin mid day when she realized it was MY birthday and called to say sorry that she had didnt even know when i called that it was my birthday and that she should have been here anyway. like because it was my birthday it meant that this is where she was "supposed" to be anyway. i told her just because its my birthday does not mean anything left or right. that she was either able to come or not. i didnt invite her because it was my birthday. and that im literally making dinner and we are going to watch the show. she said okay.

my niece and i hung out. went to the park with the dogs. cleaned the house. i came on my period so there was a little pain in my stomach and back, but it was okay. a little later on i started to make dinner. my sister calls to wish me a happy birthday. she asked what i am doing. i told her i was making baked ziti and hanging out with my sister and my niece. she says "YOU are making dinner on YOUR OWN birthday?" i said yes im making dinner today. just because its the day i was born does not mean i should not cook. she says "okay.." a little while later my cousin shows up with her friend. she tells me happy birthday and has a seat. we are all just hanging out and she says that shes knows how bad my periods are but shes gonna need me to be a little more upbeat and exciting. lol i started to get pissed then i just stopped myself and actually had a laugh to myself. it was needlessness about to come from me by way of anger. and i saw it before i participated with the bullshit. so :) i slid over to where she was on the couch and said to her, "look, i am not here to stroke some idea u have about birthdays. im cooking. we are watching this show. im on but im fine, ur friend is fine, my sis is fine, u are the only one that is creating an experience of lack or need in u. so stop." she laughs and says "okay." a little later my brother calls me. tells me happy birthday and ask what i am doing. i told him i made dinner and am watching a dance show with who was there. he asked if i was going out later. i said no. hes says, "ur NOT going OUT on ur birthday??" i said no. just because its the day i was born does not mean i need to go out to a club. he did not seem to like that answer. its interesting because my sister, brother and cousin all were outwardly disappointed in my lack of desire to follow the ideas and beLIEfs that they had created around the day someone was born. they seemed let down because they had different expectations of me on my birthday in their minds. such ridiculousness..

-i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself value my experience of myself over all others experience of themselves on a certain day of the year.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as more important than others on the day i was born.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed or like a loser if i am not with people partying on the day i was born.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like i was missing something because i did not go out dancing or drinking on the day i was born.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the many ways in which we enable ourselves to stroke our ego.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to understand that no ONE person is above any other ONE person. on any day. and we should not make the day we were born on this earth into LIFE as LIFE to move ourselves withing and as oneness and equality with all here into a day to stroke the ego of man.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that within equal distribution of value as LIFE to ALL LIFE on all days everyday would be a celebration of life and our movement together as life.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be above others on a certain day. on any day.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to others to be below me on a certain day. on any day.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have expectations of others on the day i was born.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when i miss someones birthday.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good when i remember everyones birthdays.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that all of our holidays and collective celebrations stem from the ego of men who will bask in celebration and fullness while many are in sorry and lay empty.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself above others in the world because i cannot see them with my eyes. in this i disregard their presence as LIFE, just as i am LIFE, in favor of generation "good feelings" for myself.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that it is not the act of celebration but the act of disregard.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to spend a lot of money on myself when it is the day i was born.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that the care and respect and consideration that i feel i deserve on the day i was born is the same care and respect and consideration that ALL deserve every day of OUR lives.

--i commit myself to move on the day i was born as any other day.

i commit myself to not place the care and respect and consideration of ALL others on any specific day.

i commit myself to checking the starting point behind everything within myself. in this i commit myself to clarity within my actions.

i commit myself to stand as who i am every day.

i commit myself to move by way of oneness and equality. myself one and equal to all other selves. everyday.