in this blog i will be walking myself out of years of programming. who i have become is not who i really am as Life within what is best for all. who i have become is who i am within self interest and a disregard for all other life. and to change this i must first be willing to self honestly look at how myself was made. to do this i will, through self-investigation, see within myself the patterns i participate in, the characters i have created and the ideas the i accept and allow and how these things manifest in the physical as "me". and i apply self-forgiveness for all this mess. then i bring action to cause with self-correction in moments to live as the directive principle within my movement so i can be trusted with Life to do what is best for all in every breath. consideration. honesty. oneness. equality. and so i walk..

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

day 1: possession

definitions

possession -noun-

1. the act or fact of possessing.

2. the state of being possessed.

3. ownership.

possessed -adjective-

1. spurred or moved by a strong feeling, madness.

2. self-possessed;poised (composed, dignified, and self-assured).

the more self honest i am becoming about things the more i see this point of possession. we possess ourselves entirely. we are possessed by our ideas, by our wants, by our desires, by our objects, by our fears, by our love, by our hate. and the common point within all those things that we are possessed by is US. these things are OURS. each one creates these points of acceptance and allowance within themselves that manifest what we allow ourselves to be possessed by. or more self honestly, what we use to possess ourselves or create a point of possession within ourselves.

possession is a big point within our world. everyone is moving to either obtain some possessions, keep some possessions, protect their possessions or protect and idea in which they are possessed. this manifest as every one pursuing the completion or fulfillment of their own personal possession. being owned by an idea created by ones self as a slave to ones own creation. in this taking from and overuse and mistreatment and cruelty and disregard and possession that we have done within this world we can easily be described as demons in earth. we have possessed the earth and/or ourselves as the earth and are feeding off it and sucking the LIFE out due to our self interest as demons.

i know that just because we have manifested ourselves this way does not mean we have to carry on in this manner. doing things different is possible and there is a really simple way of viewing this in the physical for ones self. and that is to actually be a self directive principle within physical life HERE and to move yourself. there is no need to believe or not believe that people can change when i know that i can move my foot in front of the other or i can take a step back. either way i am the mover. there are factors in this world that are fucked and place people in situations that really allows one to see where one stands. within fear and self interest or oneness and what is best with the consideration of all life.

the starting point of a possession does not produce consequence that is best for all. that is clear. i figure, to start this journey of walking myself out from within myself as the mind/self interest/self-possessed and into LIFE here, one and equal to all other LIFE, i will begin by walking through my points of self-possession/accepted and allowed possession/created possession.

the first point of created self-possession that i want to write about is my mothers ring:

i got it when she died over ten years ago and have been wearing it ever since. she had three rings and the three oldest girls got one. there were two elephant rings and one with XOXO but as hearts for the Os. my two older sisters got the elephants and i got the XOXO. i recall that i wanted one of the elephant ones but was a little happy that i got the "special" one. special meaning different. but the idea that was created within me in relation to this ring was special meaning special for me, tree, an "its fate i get this one" type of idea. something from her to me. there were other things that i had of hers. i had a bracelet of hers that i lost in my high school one day. i spent hours looking for it. i recall feeling like i had let her down. i had possessed myself to such an extent within ideas created around possessions of my mothers that i would personify the object as my idea of my mother that i was holding onto. in this i did not support myself at all. and i see that this self-possession within my mother's possessions was in connection to my own fear of my own death in which i had also possessed myself within at that time. but as time went by and circumstances unfolded i had lost every possession that i had of hers but her ring.

and a couple days ago i lost the ring.

this was the week my car was having issues and i had to take the bus to work. i just recently got my first car a year ago in october. so i am not shy to taking the bus. i went to sit on the steps and i took my rings off and sat them down as i have done many times. i put lotion on my arms and hands. i have been working outside in the sun so my hands were very dry. i stood up and walked closer to the street. the bus came. i got on. ring gone. did not realize until i got to work that i had left them at the bus stop. i was upset. and i cried. felt like i had let myself down this time. as i know it was simply not being present within the way i was moving my body. and it showed me i still had ideas surrounding the gold formed into a ring on my finger that use to be around the finger of my mother. i had to take a moment before starting work to walk myself out of this disappointment, this self possession that i had been faced with of myself. i walked into where the other girls were meeting. a friend asked me what was wrong. i told her i had just lost my mothers ring and was dealing with the attachment to objects. i said its literally just materials. shes says," yes but they are YOUR materials." like i have a right to be upset, angry, possessed by my ideas because the world accepts that i have ownership over these materials. when really, nothing here is owned. its all one and equal as life, HERE for all. there was no REAL reason for 'upset' but my own participation in the manifestation of it. i created an idea specific to me where 'upset' is triggered and is the consequence experience when presented with the idea that i created. self-possession.

-i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create possession within me and thus to manifest and accept possession within the world.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the reality of a situation and favor the minds created ideas instead. in this i stand as the mind. not the physical.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, essentially, create an experience of 'losing my mother' every time i lost an object that she used while in the physical existence.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the personification of objects through ideas when it suits me but when it is simply about the respect of a object, at all times, as a piece of the collective of HERE, no ideas, the consideration is lost.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the obvious self separation that takes places within us in relation to other life in this one world. in this i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to question why i cried when MY mother dies but not when a being dies.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider the effect that my self-possession has on the world as a whole. where we make sure we accept the self-possession of others so others will accept our self-possession as well. in this i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that i this acceptance of self-possession as "a part of life" we are each taking the steps to manifest possession in and as our world.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully address the self-possession within me thus it festers and waits for me to be presented with the non-addressed ideas that trigger the self-possessed reaction within me.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself within moments of self-generated energy as emotion/thoughts/feelings. in this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be powerless and motionless when faced with this energy i create.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paralyzed when faced with an idea that I have already allowed to begin manifesting as thoughts/feelings/emotions as self-possession. to where i feel there is "nothing i can do" at this point. in this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the 'its too late to move character' where in i "ride out" the self-possession instead of addressing it. even while in the mist of a seemingly uncontrollable reaction.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that, in everything, i am the mover. thus i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to dig within myself, self honestly, when in moments where i am not clear of my participation in the manifestation of the experience.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that anytime i accept that i cannot understand something that is going on within myself is an abdication of responsibility for me as my physical body and the experience of myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach the idea of "normal" to myself as thoughts/feelings/emotions. in this i disregard the self directive principle that i am within all the i am. thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self responsibility and accountability for my experience of myself on thoughts/feelings/emotions that i accept and allow to make me feel out of control.

--i commit myself to release the self created binds to all the self-possession i have manifested within myself.

i commit myself to address the, seemingly, moments of ambiguity and dig for the root of my true self-deceptive desire to not know.

i commit myself to stand within oneness.

i commit myself to move as the directive principle within my actions.

i commit myself to, when feeling as though there is nothing i can do, to move as oneness within all that is here by way of myself as the directive principle within my actions.

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