in this blog i will be walking myself out of years of programming. who i have become is not who i really am as Life within what is best for all. who i have become is who i am within self interest and a disregard for all other life. and to change this i must first be willing to self honestly look at how myself was made. to do this i will, through self-investigation, see within myself the patterns i participate in, the characters i have created and the ideas the i accept and allow and how these things manifest in the physical as "me". and i apply self-forgiveness for all this mess. then i bring action to cause with self-correction in moments to live as the directive principle within my movement so i can be trusted with Life to do what is best for all in every breath. consideration. honesty. oneness. equality. and so i walk..

Saturday, February 22, 2014

day 27: helping things grow



helping things to grow can be difficult. plants, pets, plans, ones self. and especially others. and we definitely are charged, as mutual Life growing together here, to help one another grow. to grow into the best versions of ourselves that physically present the best version of Life.

my little sister is 16 and has lived with me for two years now. she was only 3 when our mother died so there is not much if any memory of a mother in her world. she went to live with a man ,N, who appointed himself her father while she was still in the womb of my mother with whom he was in love with. her birth father has never been around. she was with N for about 5 years. at that time my aunt E, with a selfish heart and hateful intentions, created a story of my little sister being in a dangerous and bad situation. and she convinced my little sister that it was either true or had to be said despite its validity. and to an adult, listens a child. my aunt E manipulated my older sister, S, who accepted and allowed the manipulation, into furthering her agenda. once wrapped tightly in my aunt E's lies- we, the sisters, did the rest. we wrote letters and went to court and got custody from N and my little sister went to live with my older sister S.

while with S the little one grew. all years, ive since learned, are formative. every single second of every single one. but these years she was with S seem to be very importance for the shift of the self of my little sister from child to young adult. from a point of being guided to a point of guiding self. their relationship was not the most supportive it could have been because S has a lot in her past that invades her present. in not addressing the past she is not supporting herself fully. and her unwillingness and/or inability to fully support herself to the best of her ability (and as Life, she is damn well able..) translates to her ability support others. my little sister was there for about 3 years. S began to be faced with much of her own personal things and the presence of her boyfriend began to cause discomfort because he is a sleepwalker (for identifiable reasons. unknown to myself or himself though). and that living situation was no longer an option.

so she came here initially to live with our uncle who is co guardian with S but my uncle was unable, un-fully-willing, to do what was needed so she was taken care of. and his girlfriend at the time did not like my little sister. and voiced that. she did not want her living with them and my uncle choose to accept that and bring her to where i was living at the time with another sister. i did not want to be the guardian to my little sister. i knew it would be serious work. helping things grow always is. i understood i did not make this child from a baby with my influence and example. no one really did. so not only are there 5 reference points for parental people in her life but none of them were me. so this was not something that i wanted to do. but ive long understood the deception of desires and only things that feel good and things that i am comfortable within the confines of my mind. so i was able to simply approached the task when it was needed.

i have been around tons of babies. from womb to running. my mother was an at home midwife who delivered many of babies in our house growing up. i watched her assist in bringing babies into the world with ease. there was always a clam and clarity about her when it came to the little ones. she was amazing to a eager young girl. i have a memory of a woman in labor at the house. she had been staying with us for days as may did because they allowed the baby to come on its own as it please. sometimes it took days. but it was realized that the baby was breach. that means that the head is where the feet should be and the feet are where the head should be- in positioning to come out. i saw my mother place her hands on the womans belly and began to feel where the babies body was. she adjusted and positioned and scooted the baby from the outside of her stomach and the baby guided itself around to the correct position. and then we had the baby. it was amazing to watch her. that comfortability i transferred to myself. i am extremely comfortable around babies and young children. especially since really learning about self trust and how that transfers to a child at that developmental stage. being able to trust and resonate with tone and energy of presence. the more i am able to be trusted and trust me the more they will trust me- ive found with babies and little children. but that doesnt translate to the bigger ones. because they are not looking at adults for 'how to be a "me" tips and examples so much anymore at that older stage. but that doesnt mean guardians/parents are no longer giving tips and/or being examples. i havent got much experience with many children my sisters age other than i use to be one. and the one i was is not as the one she is. and the time and place i was one in is not the time and place she is. so its hard to relate to much besides what i know to be equally necessary among Life at all ages. trust, honesty, communication, responsibility, contribution.

my little sister will not be places she is supposed to be..will lie about who she is with..will disappear all night long without a call (or ready with a lie on her lips when she is able to tell it that she attempts to call and text me but they miraculously dont get to me only when she is the caller/texter..)..be caught in lies but refuses to be accountable for her actions or try to keep coming up with un-valid reasons why what needed to be done did not get done by her. its really a refusal of practicality and common sense. she has a problem with anyone telling her anything because she doesnt feel she has to answer to anyone. not even herself. because she is not stupid and shows that she knows in things that she says in relation to things other kids do but to know is not enough. when faced with opportunity knowing is not enough. we do or we dont. and i am not shy. so i talk to her. about practicality, common sense, consideration, children, adults, animals, introspection, sex. absolutely everything. it doesnt seem right. ("right"/"wrong"= ideas) this behavior. i see it as a shot to myself. i dont feel regarded. i feel uncared for. and what can one do about that? when its coming from a young person who i have to take care of. i am aware of our equality as Life here. i am aware that even as a young adult, she has a responsibility to me as well. to consider me and act accordingly as i consider her and act accordingly. i am not doing this because i am an adult. i am doing it because i am able and it needs to be done. its hard when my example does not produce results..(which i see is a point i need to dig i and do self forgiveness on). i am not my dna so i am not going to fight her. though this is a constant suggestion from many around me. to kick her ass. physically knock some since into her. but i know better than what im told. i know how sense is gained. and its not through force. not pure sense. not real sense. so im not going to go about it like that. im thinking i need to explore my idea that i need to go about anything really..

i came into this, this taking care of her thing, head first but with reservation as backchat too. because this was "someone else's" child. not mine. and essay of which someone else had already began writing but was to be seen, ultimately, as a work of mine. i see that i feel i will be judged if she comes out a crappy human being unable to support herself. but really, and this is the actuality of it and the mind fuck of it, i feel the judgement coming from me only. not others. i will feel like i couldnt do "it". and i feel like i should be able to.

i wanted to make this blog private and only share it with a few. but blogger does not give the option to make a post private. only an entire blog. so i went back and tried to keep it to the pertinent information instead of engulfed in detail i am not sure adds to support and adjusted where i saw outright rudeness(and there was some) and judgement masking as opinion or expression.

self forgiveness to come on these many points...

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